From: Barkley, The Dog
My Mom and Dad got me these great toys for something they call Christmas Day. If I bite them, they squeak. They are little guys with white beards and they are dressed in red and they are very cool and I like them. On the morning of Christmas Day, my Mom and Dad gave them to me and I got on the living room floor and played with them and it was fun and all was good.
Then they left to go to Aunt Jenni's house and they said I could stay home and play with my new toys and, since it was something they called "unseasonably warm," they left the back door open so I could go outside to sleep in the sun if I wanted. Or poop. Or be inside with my new toys. But not poop inside. I like it here. It is better than the shelter.
But after a while I got bored so I decided to look around to see if there was anything I could do to help out around the house. I love my Mom and Dad and I want to do my part to help around here. So I looked around and got some ideas. There's that pecan-chocolate chip pie that Aunt Kim and Uncle Winton brought them. Mom has been talking about "getting in shape" and Dad always says he needs to reduce his sugar intake, so maybe if I took it outside. Wow, it's heavy. It is, after all, almost a whole pie. And it's way back on the counter top. But, THERE, I got it. My, it tastes GOOD. Lemme just toss this dessert fork over there on the back deck. OK, before I drag this out to the back yard, maybe I'll just have one more bite. Oh, the hell with it. I'll eat the whole thing. But not the tin foil pie pan. I'll just rip that apart.
Wow, all that pie has made me feel kind of funny. A little spacy. Kind of loopy. I like it. Wonder what else is on those kitchen counter tops. Whoa, a bag of chocolate covered almonds. THOSE look good! I think I will eat them all. And look at that giant bag of popcorn. Think I'll take that out to the back deck and see what IT does for my metabolism. Mmmmmm. Chili flavored. THAT should settle my stomach nicely. OK, wonder what else is in there. Wow, several packs of AAA batteries for all the Christmas toys. They don't taste very good but maybe I can just open them and toss them around a bit. That might help my Mom and Dad. There, that's better. Small batteries all over the kitchen. Hmm. Starting to come down. Need more sugar.
LOOK!!!!!! A whole plate of Christmas cookies. Yummy!! THAT should get this sugar buzz going strong again. Yep. That's better. Still hungry. That bag of floral arrangement wires sure looks tasty. Ugh. WRONG. I'll just leave them here on the floor. But that stack of junk mail would be fun to toss around. Yippeee! There! Now the kitchen has that "Times Square on New Year's Morning" look. They will LOVE it! Think I will toss some around in the living room for good measure. Wow, that looks great.
I feel like I'm KING OF THE WORLD. Sugar is GREAT!!! That lampshade would look wonderful on my head. Sure wish I had thumbs to unscrew it. Think I will go outside and howl at the moon. Or just dance. Where do they keep the tequila? THERE it is. Damn. Forgot. No thumbs. Must find more sugar.
Ahh. Chocolate bars.
This is great. What's that sound? The garage door? THEY ARE HOME!!!!! Yayyyyy!!!! Ok, act nonchalant. I am not so think as they drunk I am! Act calm. Oh the hell with it!! It's my DAD and I LOVE him. Will lunge into his arms. What's that red stuff flowing from his arm beneath where my paw hit him? Why is he saying, "Calm down, Barkley?"
Mom has gone outside. She is saying, "Oh, my GOD!!" I wonder why.
I think I will just run around and run around and run around and run around and run around and run around. They will like that.
"Calm down, Barkley."
"Oh My God."
Much later, they went to bed. I still felt GREAT. I went to jump into bed with them even though I know I'm not supposed to do that unless they invite me. For some reason, tonight I cannnot jump as high as usual and, instead, I crash into the side of the bed and make a big loud BUMP that awakens my Dad.
"What the heck was THAT?" he asks my Mom.
"Barkley trying to jump onto the bed. He didn't make it," says my Mom.
"Pathetic," says my dad.
Now it is the next day. I don't feel nearly as good as I did last night. My Dad says I'm "hungover like a mutt." Not sure what that means. He says they will be more careful with countertop food in the future. Mom checked something called "the internet" and it says I will be ok. In time. Not sure what time is.
I think they still love me, but I feel kind of bad today.
God bless us all. Every one.